A Ned's Lament

from by Slim Davy Sweeney

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A song from the point of view of a poor downtrodden native of Glasgow. In his own words. Translation below lyrics.


There wanse wis a jakey, he wore a mingin auld coat
He stank a blue nun an white lightning
Ah didnae know his name, he looked like a bawbag
He wis the basturt we hid a pyoor laugh frightnin
Ma pal Wullie hid a dug called Tizer, who would shag yer leg aw the time
We set Tizer on the old jakey fuck, that wis the start ay ma life of crime

Some nosey auld cow peaked oot ay her windae
It must've been her that phoned the scum
Wullie put her windae in wi a corpie brick
It wis aboot this time that Tizer did cum
The auld jakey swore and hooked Tizer oan the gub
Then the dug sank his teeth in his bawsack
We heard the sirens, and baith ran like fuck
Poor Wullie never goat his dug back

We hid tae jump ower fences tae escape from the polis
They shouted 'Stoap! Ya couple a pricks!!!'
We ran up Wullie's close and loaked the back door
And fae the landin windae showed aff oor dicks
The scum were ragin cos they couldnae get in
But we didnae know they hid a clever plan
While we were giein them moonies, they sneaked in through the front
Then they piled us in a paddy wagon van

Noo I'm in the jail, daein the long stretch
And I realise aw the stupit things I've done
Me and daft Wullie baith goat intae the smack
Ended up robbin Kwik Save wi oor guns
The safe wis oan a time loak, and the till wis maistly coapers
We shoulda picked a shoap that isnae fur jakes
And the worst thing aboot it was when the lassie oan the till
Just laughed and telt us that wir guns wir fakes.....

Translation for non Glaswegians

There once was a tramp
Who wore a stinking coat
He smelled like Blue Nun and White Lightning (cheap alcoholic beverages)
I didn't know his name, he looked like a scrotum
He was the bastard we enjoyed to scare
My friend, William, had a dog named Tizer (red fizzy drink, and also a common name for Glasgow dogs)
Who always humped your leg amorously
We encouraged Tizer to attack the tramp
That was the start of our life of crime

A nosey woman looked out of her window
I think it was her that phoned the police
William smashed her window with a corporation brick
And at the same time Tizer ejaculated
The tramp cursed and punched the dog on the mouth
And then the dog bit the tramp's scrotum
We heard the sirens and ran away very fast
Williams dog was never returned to him

We had to jump over fences to escape from the police
They shouted 'Stop you young ruffians!'
We ran up William's stairway, locking the back door entrance
And displayed our penises from the landing window
The police were mad because they couldn't get in
We didn't know they had a clever plan
While we were displaying our nether regions they came in from the front entrance
And took us down to the waiting police van.

Now I'm in jail for a very long time
And I realise how stupid I've been
Myself and William both started taking heroin
And tried to rob Kwik Save (now defunct grocery store) with our guns
The safe was on a time lock and the till was mostly small change
We should've picked a much more upmarket retail outlet
And they worst thing was when the lady at the till
Just laughed and said we were using fake guns.


from Demos 2013, released August 15, 2013
Guitar and voice - Slim Davy Sweeney



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Slim Davy Sweeney Glasgow, UK

Slim Davy has previously released various musical works under various pseudonyms over the years, but this is the first time he has decided to drop the masks and stop hiding. Just Slim, a guitar and a microphone to record it all. Hope you enjoy listening as much as Slim enjoyed writing these songs. ... more

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